Lately everything has got to me a little more than usual. There is no doubt I work too long hours. I do so because I am the sole breadwinner, because I want to succeed, but if really honest I also think I at times use work as an ”escape route”.
By sitting in my little office, working away on the computer, I avoid the lonely evenings in front of the telly. Am I in fact kidding myself by always finding work to do? Am I avoiding the reality that I am single and in fact there is no one to chat and cuddle up to?
Do you know what…………… I dont really know the answer to that. But there is no doubt that in some ways setting up KSBKids haven given be something to focus on through the whole divorce process.
Finding yourself as a single mum at the end of your thrities is not fun. There are many people worse off than me. But I like anyone else have days where I start to doubt myself, – what did I do wrong? Will anyone ever love me again? Who will want me with 2 kids? Some days I am fine, in fact even happy with my single status, but other days does unsettling thoughts sneak up on me and I end up feeling a little uncertain and insecure.
My emotions feel more extreme than they ever have done previously. Little things can rock my confidence, but on the other hand just one nice comment from a customer can make my day.
Yesterday, tired and over-worked, kids and soon to be ex-husband playing up (yes I did consider putting the kids on ebay – 2 for the price 1 and no I wont disclosed what I considered doing to my ex but pleasent it wasnt ) I had one of those days where I had had enough and my confidence was simply not at its best. One of those days where the insecurities gain strength…….
But life is funny and very unpredictable.
Late afternoon there was a knock on my door. To my surprise it was my local Taxi driver. He has on numerous occasions taking me to the airport etc. but if honest he has also on more than one occassion had to listen to me when I have been rather intoxicated……..well yes drunk I guess! Can I just here point out that Mr Taxi Driver is happily married and at least 20 years older than me!!!! During these trips we have talked about being single, exhusbands, arranged marriages, food and how he used to run an Indian restaurant.
Yesterday, he knocked on my door to inform me that at 8 o’clock this evening he is bringing a complete Indian meal round to my house. I was so surprised, laughed and asked him why………………..”because you are a nice person and you have always been very respecful to me”.
How nice is that? He will never know, but he picked the right day to be nice to me – just when I was starting to feel a little insecure he reassured me that I am not that bad after all.
And listen to this, it gets better…………….. Les the window cleaner is taking Frances (neighbour and top friend) and me to the pub on Friday evening………..why “because we are his best customers”!!!!!!!!
So this is the week where Mr Taxi Driver cooks me a meal and Les the Window cleaner takes me to the pub. Why did I worry about being single and lonely?
